Cinco de Mayo will always hold a special place in my heart. Last year on this day, we found out that we were expecting. Needless to say, it was extremely welcome news. For those who don't know, I became pregnant for the first time in October 2009. We were SO thrilled, and I started a pregnancy journal to keep track of everything that happened. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage and a D&C on December 2, 2009 It was completely devastating for us both, and I was so heartbroken that I had a very difficult time for quite a while. I closed my notebook and hid it away, waiting for the day that I could open it again with joyful news. I thought that today, I would post my first entry from the notebook after learning that we were expecting again. I like looking back and reliving those excited and nervous feelings. Hope you enjoy!
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I said I wasn't going to open this book until we were pregnant again...and it looks like we are! At the beginning of this week, I really thought I was feeling a little different, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. I was worried that it was just wishful thinking, like every month. It definitely wouldn't have been the first time I got my hopes up, only to have them totally shattered when my period started. These last few months have been pretty terrible, to be honest. I feel like I've had babies and/or pregnant women constantly thrown in my face since December. Every month, there would end up being something that set me off, and I would basically be worthless for two or three days.
This past month was really the worst. I started thinking about the fact that I would most likely not get to have my first child until I was 33 years old. 33!! I always thought I would be finished having children by that age. It really just got to be too much to take. It was literally all I could think about, and I prayed and begged God constantly. I even yelled at God, but mostly, it was constant begging.
Toward the middle of April, BB started talking about auditions for a show. At first, I wasn't really up for it, but the more I thought, I realized it was a good idea. I needed something to distract me from the baby thoughts. So we tried out, and we both got roles! When I found out what my role would be, I really felt like it was some kind of sign. I'm playing a mom, and the girl who is playing my daughter is named Cassidy (which is currently my favorite girls' name). I just had a good feeling about the month, and I even told Jennifer that at church on 4/25. I remember the date because it was the day of Brenna's confirmation.
I knew that Wednesday would probably be the first day I could get an accurate home pregnancy test. It was all I could think about all day, and I went to buy some right after work. I decided to wait to take one until after rehearsal.
All the way home from the theater, I prayed and prayed, almost to the point that I was in tears. When I got home, Chad said he had a surprise for me and showed me a bottle of champagne that he had gotten for this apparently great deal. It was all I could do to stand there and listen because I just wanted to take the test! When I finally got to the bathroom and did my thing, it felt like it took FOREVER. I was in tears just waiting, and when I saw that word - pregnant - I almost couldn't believe it. I thought my heart was going to explode. I walked out to Chad and just handed him the test without saying anything. He got tears in his eyes, smiled and then got up and hugged me. He commented that he seemed to have bought the champagne at the perfect time. I think he was a little surprised because I hadn't mentioned anything about it.
So, my instincts were correct, and we found out on Cinco de Mayo 2010 that we're expecting again! The symptoms have already started, too. I'm getting really tired and sensitive to smells again. We've decided not to tell anyone yet, but we'll see how long that lasts. I'm trying to avoid looking at too much online this time, too. I just need to try to stay calm and focus positive thoughts on this little munchkin. Things have to be different this time.
Our first doctor's appointment is Wednesday, and I'll be about 5 weeks. All I can do right now is pray that things are going well so far and take it one day at a time. It's going to be excruciating to wait, but I know I have to. I'm just going to keep up the positive thinking but try not to think TOO far ahead. God has some BIG thank yous coming His way! :-)
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